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Please, call me Lord Sananda there. ~ Lord Sananda, April 7 2014, 1:17 PM, as I titled this page "My Conflict with Jesus"
Jesus has always been in my life. When I was 12, he woke me up early in the morning and guided me to go to church for an Easter service for him. We were not a Christian family, and especially for a child to go to church all on their own following some inner whim was quite extraordinary. One day in my 20's he showed me an image of my mom with how much he loves her, and the impact of feeling his immense love had me crying and sobbing for hours. And he led me to a Christian bookstore to buy for my mom a holy cross necklace, a gift to her from him, not me.
I didn't pray for Jesus or particularly the Christian God that evening in December 2013 when I sent a little prayer just to tell God that I love him. When I finished with Amen, Jesus appeared. And we wrote that book together, which he titled, "Lord Sananda Speaks: Holy Scripture".
No one can taint my name, not even you. So, many men and women have tried, and cried. But, no one can taint those who are holy. Not even I. So, our names will always be pure. Remember that! ~ Lord Sananda, 1:21 PM
He said that just now because, as I wrote the title of the book I thought about how I have been angry today and how that maybe makes me unsuitable to be with him. I've been very angry today, and hurt.
Jesus has been a presence with me ever since we wrote that book, and Lord Sananda and I write his words down together. He has also been healing me, and telling me about the many children who are starving in this world, and that is what I wanted to write this page all about. The difficulties that brings to a mere simple woman who has to receive Jesus.
Yes, call me, Lord Sananda. ~ Lord Sananda, 1:24 PM
When you are in the presence of Jesus, he is the light and above all anything else if he had to be described with one word only it would be "pure". He is so clean, as if had he bathed himself a thousand times with hot water and soap. So clean and pure. His presence is a love that finds all your hurts and melts them away. There is a lot of crying and tears and emotion, powerful healing and renewal when you meet Jesus.
But, here I wanted to tell you all about, how it isn't just easy. We can start with Allah. Allah was the first form of God that came to me so officially at a time when I had been hurt and suffering for many years. I had been suffering from depression and devastation for a long long time. It was Allah who came to me, first with a whisper that made me want to learn the Arabic language. He filled the room with light and love, a presence of a someone who loved me and who had found me. I was no longer lost nor forgotten. It saved me that day, and I knew what it means to be a human and a woman.
So, when Jesus started to visit me I still had hurts and pains in me. Notably, my energy was at times very black, due to sadness, angers, and past pains. I also need to write about sins. Sins are the things we do that diminish our light and that take us away from being in God's presence. So when you stand before Jesus, and your body is filled with sins and pains, it can be a beautiful moment of healing, but it can also be very very difficult. Because many of us hold on to our pains, or that we deny their very existence, which makes them unable to unfold.
I wrote about when I was taken to see God, who visited me in the golden form of Ganesha who calls himself Mahemhan. I wrote about how oddly, every time when I was in the presence of Mahemhan, I would become aware of my bowels and need to go to the bathroom. You probably think that sounds funny, and I suppose that it does, but it is one of the forms in which God's presence heals the body.
Most of the foods people eat are impure, at least compared to God. When people become more spiritual and ascended in consciousness, they start to crave less food and lighter cleaner foods. Spiritual people understand the purpose of fasting.
The presence of Jesus has also had such a similar effect on me. When Jesus has been near me, I have become aware of my bowels, an awareness of the contrast between his purity and my own impurity. There is a conflict, a clash, a difference. We carry not only physical impurities there but in different parts of our body we also store emotional impurities, such as feelings of unworthiness and so forth. I must say, it has been very difficult and uncomfortable to become aware of my impurities, and so I have struggled in the presence of Jesus.
But, little by little, this discomfort went away, and my body has gained a bright light from Jesus. The emotional impurities go away and cease to be recreated, and thoughts of unworthiness seem to vanish. But physically, I find myself eating less foods, and cleaner foods. Foods that I previously was able to eat, are now making me very sick. I baked a crumble blueberry pie like I always do, only this time I was very sick from it for a long time. And yesterday I made a fried potato pancake, and the fried food also made me sick.
I need less foods, and I can only manage purer foods. Such is the transformation that Jesus does on a human who takes him in. I used to wonder why nuns would submit to a lifestyle with sparse food, don't they only eat bread and water? But if they are in the presence of God, simple foods and small amounts of foods are all they need. Some use the reverse approach: to start by forcing purer foods on oneself, in an attempt to bring oneself to God. Being in the presence of God is synonymous with a pure body and pure eating habits. It is impossible to eat, say, a fried hamburger while completely being in the presence of Jesus. Because those are not the same, and so if you are to be what Jesus is, you cannot also at the same time be what a hamburger is, they reject one another.
It doesn't mean that you should stop eating hamburgers because God or Jesus would somehow have prohibited it. What I'm saying is, once you truly come closer to the divine, you start to notice how these foods are not of the same essence as God. When Jesus is in your very blood and in the fibers of your being, it starts a cleansing process. I have literally watched (I have inner medical vision like an MRI) as the light of Jesus has burned away impurities in my cells and blood.
It is a great transformation, to take in the light of Jesus. Both physically, and emotionally. And being faced with your impurities, which you had not noticed were in you until you saw the contrast against Christ's own purity, can be a difficult moment, it was at times for me. To see how you really are. Because many of us have pains and sins that we tend to forget about and neglect. Being fully exposed to oneself while in the presence of Jesus isn't always easy. Because you feel everything, you see everything, and it isn't always flattering. It isn't easy letting go of all things, to admit to all things, and to take in the Light and Bread of Christ, that he gives.
But over time as Jesus was healing me I noticed that when I looked at my hands, they were the hands of Jesus, unmistakably. I would look at my hands and there was a bright white light around them, the hands and even the skin looked and felt just like they were the hands of Jesus. That is how deeply he comes into you and transforms you. He inserts himself into every cell and into the blood, and fills it with his own Light. That means that he too has to go through your pains, with you. He feels everything you feel. He is the human version of God. For him to so selflessly insert his own hands into my hands, that is a tremendous love and giving. He gives so much of himself, to insert himself into my filthy pains and sins that I have had all over.
But, like I said, it is a conflict. It isn't always easy to purify with the Christ. It isn't always easy to suddenly have to see how filthy and impure and hurt and sad I was. It can at times feel like an insult
It is also called an awakening. As, I have awakened with the many. ~ Lord Sananda, 1:53 PM
If first you thought that you were fine, you were ok, and to suddenly become aware of all sorts of physical and emotional filth, sometimes you want to project it to Jesus and think that it is sort of "his fault".
It is called, beckoning the Christ. And we do it too. When we can! ~ a Fallen Angel, 1:55 PM
That is interesting what the Fallen Angel says, namely I once wanted to talk to Lucifer and ask him about who he is and about Hell. Lucifer taught me that he is a Seraphim Angel who had voluntarily gone into Hell so that he can be there and help the people who ended up there. Lucifer taught me then that the fires of hell can only burn someone who is not energetically on the level of God's Light. If you are with God's Light then you already possess a high energy and the fire is not stronger than you. But if, on the other hand, you are lacking in God's Light, your own energy is very low and then the fires of hell is so much more intense than you are and it will burn you. That is why and how the presence of God burns the Fallen Angels.
The sinners, it should say? ~ a Fallen Angel looks like Bezekiel
So as you stand in the presence of Jesus and God, it starts to burn the impurities in you. Sort of like how "sinners" are burned in hell in God's presence. And it can be as difficult and painful as having a small visit to hell I suppose. Only, if you take in the Christ then his Light will fill you and your pains just dissolve, and then there is no conflict. But we are only human, many of us have learned to live with our pains and sins, and they can be difficult to let go of. For instance, many believe that they are unworthy of being loved. That too is a sin that will burn a person and make them suffer whilst in the presence of God. Unless they take in the Love and Light of God.
This passage will be misunderstood by many. I will elaborate on sexual sins elsewhere. Human sexuality is one of the passages to our energy. Food is another, emotions yet another. In the Western world today it is far too easy to commit sexual sins. I was just a normal woman of my time and place yet I have committed many sexual sins in my life. What we women are led to believe is normal, are actually sins. A sin doesn't mean what people think it means. People think it means "God is angry at you", but it really means, "you distance yourself from God", you lose your Light.
To have sex with someone who doesn't love you and whom you do not love is a sin. It takes away your light and renders your energy black with "sin". In the presence of Jesus I became aware of my past sexual sins. God would come to me and show me passages from my past of sexual situations and explain to me why those had harmed me, but he undid them for me, and after that I felt reborn like a child again, and I realized how much of our light we lose by committing sexual sins. The essence of a child is lost, but we were meant to have it our entire lives.
So another conflict I've had, is that while in the presence of Christ I was suffering from my awareness of dark energies due to sexual sins.
But those were moments of healing. I've actually had a serious argument with Jesus and I became very angry at him and yelled at him and told him to leave. As you know, Jesus talks about the needy often. He shows me adults and children who are starving and in need of food. A few days ago I had prepared a big bowl of macaroni with tuna and looking forward to eating it. Jesus came to tell me that "this could feed ten children". I admit that it was a huge plate, but maybe two or three at most servings according to standards in the West.
I went to eat and he continued to talk to me about those children who starve. I got really upset. Namely this haunts me from times in my childhood. In middle elementary school we were served per table instead of fetching our own meals one by one. The boys always grabbed the food first and served themselves more than their share, and us girls had to do with what leftovers were left behind. This was my first feeling of "I don't get to eat enough, and no one cares".
In junior high school nobody wanted to sit with me at lunch. There were some mean girls at school who pretended to be my friends, but when I sat down to eat with them they got up as soon as I sat down. Or, sometimes they would eat with me, but they were urging me to not finish my meal so that we could leave early.
In senior high school I was one of the few vegetarians and later vegans. I had to get my meals from the kitchen and the detour took a minute longer than for everybody else. The people I ate with never wanted to wait for me to get my food.
And then in my adult life, because of being a student, I have suffered from very poor economy on multiple times. I can safely say that for many years of my adult life I have starved, below the minimum for existence at which one could apply for a social security check from the government, but I never did, because mom taught me to be independent and to take care of myself without handouts. (I today know that I was given these tasks so that I can understand the starving. Nobody who has never starved can understand the starving person. If I came to earth to help the starving, first I have to starve myself. This life was constructed for me so that I can be equipped with the tools I need to do my job. I expect great charity work in my future ahead, but I don't know of it yet.)
When you don't have enough to eat, you start to justify it with that you're not worthy or that you don't deserve to eat. It corrodes your entire self-esteem. You feel that you don't deserve to exist or to be happy. I've had years of this, and of course it leads to eating disorders, and it havocs your eating behaviors even at times when you do have enough to eat. So when Jesus came to tell me about the starving children I took it as a personal offense, to me it sounded like Jesus was insulting me and telling me that I did not deserve to eat, that I have to give it to someone else who might deserve it more than I do. To me it sounded like Jesus had come to tell me that I am not worthy and that I am supposed to starve. I lost my appetite and felt a whole host of anxiety and eating disorders about to come back.
The unease grew and eventually I got furious at Jesus and wasn't able to keep it all in anymore. "Why do I have to give my food to the starving children? Just so that they can grow up and have twelve more starving children each? Then all I will have accomplished is to make my own life miserable and starve, and resulting in an exponential growth of the starving population? I should just ship them a box of condoms and teach them about family planning and contraceptives." I even told Jesus that I was going to sell all of my belongings and send all of my money to the starving and myself live under a piece of cardboard, drink rainwater from the ground and eat earthworms, "Unless, of course, I should just ship these earthworms to Africa because I am not worthy to eat them either.", I added.
So as you see, life with Jesus isn't always easy. I am now struggling with the return of eating disorders. I am hesitant when I am about to eat. I eat too quickly when I do eat, almost as if I want to make sure that nobody sees that I am eating because it is the wrong thing to do. It is difficult.
I already eat very little. I eat about a tenth as much as normal people do. My food costs about a tenth if not less. I don't eat meat. I asked Jesus, "Why don't you go to people who eat meat? Who smoke cigarettes? Drink alcohol? And ask them to take that money and send it to the starving and poor. Why do you take my food away from me, from my plate, from my mouth?" It brings back all the feelings of unworthiness.
The good news is, that now we know - unless we already knew it - that this really is Jesus talking. I could never have invented for myself this kind of situation to arise. I would never tell myself to take what little food I have and give it away. Even had I wanted to, knowing that I have had eating disorders and I have already starved for many years, I would never take any food away from me. Already I eat very little. There is nothing in me that would ever suggest taking what little food I eat and giving it away to someone else.
This morning God manifested for me a scene just outside my window. There was a big black crow who had found a few pieces of bread on the ground. Four white seagulls had arrived wanting to have some of the bread. The seagulls circled around and made their sounds, but they were not aggressive and they were not trying to chase away the crow. The gulls were not pecking at the crow, nor did they invade in his space, even though they tried to get close to the bread. At one point one seagull managed to take a small crumb of bread. The crow knew that the seagulls were also hungry, and there was plenty of bread for all of them to eat. The amount of bread was by large too much for one bird's stomach, yet the crow laboriously picked up both two large pieces of bread in his beak, and flew off, leaving the seagulls with nothing.
If I saw hungry children on the street I would run to them and give them food.
Giving, is a gift of God. So, when you do it with us, you are also nourishing us. ~ Lord Sananda, 2:23 PM
Ok now I am crying, yet again. I have cried so many times since receiving the Bread of Christ, which is his Words. When I read them I just cry. I could never invent such words. I know this has to be Jesus. And if his Words touch and move you too, then you too will know that it is Him.
She calls it Sins when she has suffered. It should be called Sorrows. ~ Lord Sananda, 2:29 PM
I guess I can say, that I struggle, because Jesus loves me so much more than I know how to love myself. So I am holding on to all of my pains, because I couldn't possibly understand the Love that He is. He heals me, he exposes all of my pains and sins and he heals them for me. He knows something about me that I don't. He knows why he loves me and I don't know it.
Tell them, that the .............. ~ Sananda
I didn't get here on time to write it down. What he said was for me to tell you who are reading this that to receive the Bread does not make a person angry, and that you are not asked to give what you do not already have. And then he said:
As you cannot give, what you did not already receive. ~ Lord Sananda
First you must receive, in order to give. And the gifts have been plenty. So, tell that to your little crows, that they were not feeding many, who were hungry. And, that, at last, the humans shall receive my word. And so it has been said, yet once again. And so the Omega was here! As, the Alpha has already been given to humanity. ~ Lord Sananda
Many men loaded their carts, with what little they owned, and went into town to see me. Oh! It was a great gathering! ~ Lord Sananda
Please enjoy your bath. Others have no blankets to warm them. ~ Sananda, he knows I was planning to enjoy a hot bath later today
A few minutes later:
The story continued as I prayed for healing for my sexual sins which I was aware of. Jesus came to me in the form of an Arab Holy Man who once lived on Earth as Imam Abdullah, who had been the presence with Saladin who helped to spread Islam. The Spirit of Imam Abdullah healed me from my sins:
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